“Oh. My. God!”

Three simple words and they were all it took to jolt me from a deep slumber.

But Rox, my childhood chum, whose middle name is Hysteria, couldn’t contain herself.

“Whatever it is this time, it’d better be good. Johnny Depp was about to plant a peck on my cheek. But you had to ruin it,” I said grudgingly over the phone.

“Well, it’s a good thing I stopped you, or his Sweeney Todd persona would have planted a pair of scissors on your head, too. But there’s no time for that now, darling. Haven’t you heard the news?” Rox raved on, oblivious to my objection.

“Yes, 16 new ERP gantries,” I offered sullenly.

“No, not that one. Spidey has split up with Mary Jane. He’s officially (and literally) a swinging single again. Oh. My. God!” Rox gushed.

“But what’s that got to do with you? Are you going to hit on him this Valentine’s Day?” I countered.

“Oh, you know me so well! In fact, I just came up with a list of ‘First Date Mistakes To Avoid’ – in case he asks me out” she cooed sweetly.

Now, my friend may be an oddball, but she’s no nutcase. She’s really just a quirky character who operates on an imagination overdrive. Incidentally, I went through her formidable list and found some pretty useful tips. Suss them out if you’re thinking of impressing someone on a first date, too:

Watch yourself

Keep inappropriate habits (eg getting drunk, burping, bad table manners) under wraps.

Be tactful

Choose diplomacy over cockiness. Being rude to waiters and service staff will not reflect well on you, so get a grip on your short temper.

Be schmaltzy – not

Aspiring to be a romantic date? Then quit spouting poetic lyrics and making silly, sappy remarks. Fake, saccharine acts usually leave others squirming.

See no “evil”

It’s rude to blatantly ogle the curvaceous babe or beefy hunk at the adjacent table. Respect your date by giving him or her your full attention. (If you can’t help it, at least do it subtly.)

Badmouthing your exes

So your previous squeeze was a klutz. But that doesn’t mean you should complain and whine like a sore loser. Wise up, or you stand to lose more.

Humility is key

Sure, go ahead and brag about your million-dollar empire (Monopoly doesn’t count) – if you want your date to smear food on your face. Share similar interests? Talk about them, but know when to stop. You’re not doing a one-person talk show. Ask for and listen to his or her views as well, and don’t be anxious to judge, belittle or slam them.

I shall leave you to delve on these pointers while I check on Rox. Wait a minute – what’s this I hear about her coming over to give me the blow-by-blow lowdown on Spidey’s and Mary Jane’s break-up? Oh. My. God.